The Midnight News 05.26.03
Posted By Hyatte on 05.26.03
Buffy, Stephanie, Rhetorics, Unanswerables, Hogan, Reading Material, Nailz, Someone Flame a Stooge, Someone Flames ME?!, and America Fights Back
Guys like Hyatte are not columnists. If they have something to offer - post it on a message board.
Right.
At least you told us ahead of time that last week’s column would suck!
Some guy.
You know… even the columns of mine that suck are ten times better than the best anyone else has to offer… so HA!!
I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. Been giving you small, (well, small by my standards) columns lately, so this week I’ve jammed this mutha with TONS of crap… which is damn silly since most of you won’t be at work to enjoy it… ah well. Lotsa of stuff on tap so let’s jump right in, shall we?
WHAT KIND OF NAME IS BUFFY ANYWAY??
Anyone who knows me, or has read me over the years knows that I am a huge fan of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, always had been. I even loved the last season where she came back from Heaven and spent the season all moody and depressed… because if YOU were yanked out of paradise and brought back to hell on earth, you’d be pretty pissed off too.
But I’m not going to sermonize over how great the show was (even tho’ the delightful irony that such a smartly written, funny show was centered in a world filled with demons and vampires will never be topped), or even applaud the fact that Joss Whedon, the show’s creator, actually had the ending mapped out since day one and made the ending mean something… something that will have lasting effects over any other show/film he develops that involves this universe.
No, what I want to do is point out that on it’s third to last episode the show featured two scenes that ran back to back… one scene had a white girl banging a black man (and not a mulatto either… we’re talking eggplant here, baby) and a pretty graphic girl on girl lesbo love scene… during the “family hour” of 8 – 9. Two of the most decadent, evil, risque, acts of love two people can share… all done while your children are still up. You’ll never see Friends attempt that… no, Friends is too busy seeing what other drama they can surround Jennifer Aniston with… man that’s getting tiresome… thank God that shows going away next year.
Hot lesbian action and some evil oreo love… I’m gonna miss that damn show.
GETTING WORSE EVERY WEEK
To quote the zombie who was called up by the McDevil himself to inject some ratings into the sagging business… (and on the anniversary of his death… damn you Vince all to hell): Enough is enough! It’s time for a change!
We didn’t notice at first, but now it’s too obvious to ignore.
Maybe HHH is to blame… maybe he really is too much to handle and is out of control
Maybe it’s the stress
Maybe it’s the pressure from Vince?
Hell, maybe it’s the Internet… doesn’t matter, because now it’s getting frickin’ gross.
So, will someone PLEASE tell Stephanie McMahon to have her throat looked at? I don’t care if she chain smokes 3 packs of Chesterfields a day… an HOUR… it shouldn’t have gotten that bad that fast. She sounds like a fucking man now… not a gay man either but a truck driver. Her voice was never too hot to begin with, but at least it was female… at least there was SOME estrogen in there… now it’s… it’s… I don’t care how rich she is or how big her boobies are, that voice would wilt Net geek hard-ons
And now I hear she wants MORE screen time because Bischoff and Austin get it on Raw
Jesus Christ… the girl’s voice is going down faster than the WTC towers…. Someone please help this girl, for ALL of our sakes.
Annnd…yep… that ends just about all the rasslin’ content you’re gonna get… fuck you.
RHETORICAL AND UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
It works for Scherer (sort of), and since I’m tired of being ripped off by everyone, I thought I’d rip someone off myself!!
-What kind of moron takes two years before realizing that most of his rhetorical questions aren’t really rhetorical?
-Can you really still make fun of Bob Ryder if he doesn’t really do much online to make fun of anymore?
-How can we respect a nation like Canada when it’s giving us Sars, Mad Cow, and Jason Priestly all at the same time?
-Ever stop to think that Triple H is right about you?
-Exactly why is Scott Keith’s opinion on anything meaningful?
-Could I possibly be getting laid at all?
-Do you REALLY want to send me an e-mail saying, Of course not, douchebag!?
-Anyone else really feel like kicking Bruce Mitchell in the balls?
-Would you want to kick Pat McNeil in the balls even though chances are he doesn’t own any?
-You do realize there is no such beast as a “Wrestling Journalist”, right?
-Do you feel good about yourself knowing that you’ve been up all night waiting for this column?
-Does a guy who is always trying to create new wrestling terms like “Shork”, the “Triple H Effect”, and “Stephanie’s Boobs” pretty much define the term “desperate for fame”?
-How long before the “Free for All” section of the Torch.com have nothing but Pat McNeil and those Lounge idiots?
-How can you do a song parody online with no music?
-And even if you did, how can you do it with an obscure song from the 80’s that was almost a hit while most of the audience was still in diapers?
-Do I have any female readers other than the three that I know of?
-Does Vince realize that no one cares anymore?
-John Cena?
-Are you shitting me?
-He’s over?
-Since when?
-How nutty is it that last week everyone was screaming that the WWE build new stars and this week the same people are screaming that they should give Ric Flair one more title run.
-Why do my balls itch all the time?
-Does Meltzer’s balls itch?
-You all realize that Meltzer’s web site is more or less a joke, right?
-You all realize that Meltzer laughs at you worshipping morons, right?
-You all realize that Scott Keith would swear off women forever for a shot at Meltzer-level respect
-You all realize that it wouldn’t be so hard, since women have sworn off Scott pretty much already
-You DO realize I’m just killing time right now, right?
MY THREE STOOGES
Bewilderbeast19: i bet they call you OORick cos the ladies are like OH! OH! RICK!
Bewilderbeast19: LOL NOT REALLY U FAGGOT!
Previous message was not received by OORick because of error (1:06:28 PM): User OORick is not available.
Man… that just makes me laugh forever and ever and ever…. Never get tired of those.
In case you were wondering or care, Scooter’s AIM name is RSPWFAQ but he keeps it locked on “buddy list only” full time, so you ain’t reaching him. CRZ’s sn is See Our Zed but he’s always on “Away”, so he’s no fun either.
…not really u faggot… BWAHAHAHAAAA
No, Rick’s no ladies man… but THE GREAT HYATTE IS…
THE ADVENTURES OF LL COOL HY (LADIES LOVE COOL HYATTE)
See, most of you gals reading probably have me pigeonholed as a crass, fat, stinky, obnoxious, geekboy of the highest order who wouldn’t know how to be suave and charming if my life depended on it… well, I believe THIS e-mail will make you think different:
I can't believe you're putting up with my shit. Actually, yes I can. You happen to be the only person not letting me get away with it. I'm so sorry I'm being a cold bitch... I need to talk to you soon, okay. God I miss you.
See? I am patient, tolerant, sweet, kind, loving, and forgiving…. Plus I’m great in the sack and know what the fuck I’m doing.
It’s okay… admit it… I make you wet.
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS BOOK-OF-THE-TWO-WEEK-CLUB
Flea: Only three writers in the world have ever meant anything, Hi-5+3=8.
Hyatte: Oh yeah, which ones?
Flea: Stephen King, George Orwell…
Hyatte: And?
Flea: (takes a long, drawn-out, desperate pull from his bong – followed by a nice, generous sip from his glass) and… whoever.
Hyatte: Whoever?
Flea: Yep
Hyatte: Who the fuck is whoever?
Flea: When you know, then you’ll know
********************
I call this a quest… a personal vendetta to do more with my primo web real estate than just talking about how wrestling sucks and the world would be utopia if Vince gave the book to you mark idiots. I want to get you douchebags to start READING. Actual BOOKS with PLOTS. GOOD plots too, not plots like the one Scooter Keith wanted to write about how Goldberg saved the world from an evil wrestling promoter… yes, you read me, not the world of wrestling… but the WHOLE WORLD. It’s true, that was his big pitch.
No, these are real books from real authors. First I told you about John O’Brian, then we got into some Tom Wolfe. For this week’s installment, we take a HUGE swerve and select a good ol’ fashioned mystery… featuring a well known character.
The art of “tough guy” mystery books is fairly simple, as it should be. You start with a strange woman entering the office of the “Private Dick” with a problem. The PI asks the questions, takes the case, talks to a few people, throws a few punches, stares into the business end of a gun a few times, meets the main “heavy”, and ends up having at least one good shoot-out before solving the case and confronting the guilty, usually on the last page. This is a tried and true formula that has worked for decades. Sometimes the “Private Dick” is a woman; sometimes he/she is a cop, or a medical examiner. The book is usually written wholly in the first person (for the reader should learn the info as the hero does) and we usually see the hero of the piece turn up time and time again in follow-up books. Hell, many, MANY writers have made a very good living off exploring one single character.
Of course, “exploring” may be the wrong verb… it’s rare if we EVER learn anything about these tough guys/gals throughout their stories. These writers stick by the formula: “The plot’s the thing”. Everything else is secondary. The lead characters are just there because A: They provide the write voice the author wanted to convey and B: The audience is comfortable enough with the characters to want to buy the book. (The television version of this is, of course, Law & Order, where we still know hardly anything about any of the lead actors, which is also handy when Dick Wolf wants to fire replace them without missing a beat.)
The environment might change but the basic formula always remains the same. The key to making a good mystery is in the writing… the prose… it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. How to keep the plot moving at a brisk pace. How to get people to flip a page. For this (bi-)week’s book, I chose the master of this.
The late Robert Urich starred in the TV show Spenser For Hire and it was based, obviously, around a series of books by Robert Parker.
Parker is easily one of the most celebrated writers in his genre… a no-nonsense writer who knows how to wittle down his words to their bare essense, yet still make them compelling. He’s the one who was hand-picked to finish a Raymond Chandler novel and write the follow up to Chandler’s The Big Sleep… that’s a serious job considering everyone pretty much has Chandler as THE master.
So, a standard Spenser book runs like this: He gets a case in the first chapter (with a possible secondary sub-plot case in the second or third chapter), spends the rest of the book unraveling the case, and solves it by the last or almost last chapter. Often, he is joined by “Hawk”, an ultra-smooth, highly dangerous, smarter than anyone would believe black man who is as mysterious as he is educated. The other constant in a Spenser book is the constant, but almost peripheral presense of Susan, his long-time girlfriend who is also twenty times smarter than everyone else. In subsequent Parker books with Spenser (and I will be suggesting many Parker books in this section as time goes on), I’ll go into how Parker uses Susan as a representation of his own wife.
So, the first book from Parker I’m spotlighting is his most recent (in paperback). What’s nice about these sort of books is that you don’t need to read the previous books in order to fully understand and enjoy it (remember: The plot’s the thing). It’s called Potshot. I really don’t have to get into plot details because the first chapter, which I am using for an excerpt, pretty much tells you all you need to know. It’s simple, straightforward stuff… yet really tough to put down. That’s a major talent.
So here we go with Potshot, by Robert B. Parker:
She was wearing a straw hat, pulled down over her forehead, a short flowered dress, no stockings and white high heels. A lot of blonde hair showed under the hat. Her face was nearly angelic and looked about 15, though the fact that she wore a wedding ring made me skeptical. She marched into my office like someone volunteering for active duty, and sat in one of my client chairs with her nice feet flat on the floor and her knees together. Nice knees.
“You’re Mr. Spenser.”
“I am.”
“Lieutenant Samuelson of the Los Angeles Police Department said I should talk to you.”
“He’s right,” I said.
“You know about this already?”
“No,” I said. “I just think everybody should talk to me.”
“Oh yes… My name is Mary Lou Buckman.”
“How do you do Mrs. Buckman.”
“Fine, thank you.”
She was quiet for a moment, as if she wasn’t quite sure what she should do next. I didn’t know either, so I sat and waited. Her bare legs were tan. Not tan as if she’d slathered them with oil and baked in the suntan as if she’d spend time outdoors in shorts. Her eyes were as big as Susan’s, and bright blue
Finally she said, “I would like to hire you.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t you want to know more than that?”
“I wanted to start on a positive note,” I said.
“I don’t know if you’re serious or if you’re laughing at me,” she said.
“I’m not always sure myself,” I said. “What would you like me to do?”
She took a deep breath.
“I live in a small town in the foothills of the Sawtooth Mountains, called Potshot. Once it was a rendezvous for mountain men, now it’s a western retreat for a lot of people, mostly from L.A., with money, who’ve moved there with the idea of getting their lives back into a more fundamental rhythm.”
“Back out of all this now too much for us,” I said.
“That’s a poem or something,” she said.
“Frost,” I said.
She nodded.
“My husband and I came from Los Angeles. He was a football coach, Fairfax High. We got sick of the life and moved out here, there actually. We run, ran, a little tourist service, take people on horseback into the mountains and back – nothing fancy, day trips, maybe a picnic lunch.”
“ ‘We ran a service’?” I said.
“I still run it. My husband is dead.”
She said it as calmly as if I’d ask his name. No effect.
I nodded.
“There was always an element to the town, “ she said. “I suppose you could call it a criminal element – they tended to congregate in the hills above town, a place called the Dell. There’s an old mine there that someone started once, and they never found anything and abandoned it, along with the mine buildings. They are, I suppose, sort of contemporary mountain men, people who made a living from the mountains. You know, fur trapping, hunting, scavenging. I think there are people still looking for gold, or silver, or whatever they think is in there – I don’t know anything about mining. Some people have been laid off from the lumber companies, or the strip mines, there’s a few left over hippies, and a general assortment of panhandlers and drunks and potheads.”
“Which probably interferes with the natural rhythm of it all,” I said.
“They were no more bothersome than any fringe people in any place,” she said, “until about three years ago.”
“What happened three years ago?”
“They got organized,” she said. “They became a gang.”
“Who organized them?”
“I don’t know his real name. He calls himself The Preacher.”
“Is he a preacher?”
“I don’t know. I think so. I don’t think he’s being ironic.”
“And there’s a problem,” I said.
“The gang lives off the town. They require businessmen to pay protection. They use the stores and the restaurants and bars and don’t pay. They acquire businesses in town for less than they’re worth by driving out the owners. They bully the men. Bother the women.”
“Cops?”
“We have a police chief. He’s a pleasant man. Very likeable. But he does nothing. I don’t know if he’s been bribed, or if he’s afraid or both.”
“Sheriff’s Department?”
“The sheriff’s deputies come out, if they’re called,” she said. “But it’s a long way and when they arrive, there are never any witnesses.”
“So why are you telling me all this?”
She shifted in her chair, and pulled the hem of her skirt down as if she could cover her knees, which she couldn't. She didn’t seem to be wearing any perfume, but she generated a small scent of expensive soap.
“They killed my husband.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“He was in the Marine Corps. He played football in college,” she said. “He was a very courageous man. An entirely wonderful man.”
Her voice was flat and without inflection, as if she were reciting something she’d memorized.
“He wouldn’t pay the Dell any money,” she said. “So they killed him.”
“Witnesses?”
“No one has come forward.”
“How do you know it was the, ah, Dell?” I said.
“The threatened him, if he didn’t pay. Who else would it be?”
“And you want me to find out which one did it?”
“Yes and see that they go to jail.”
“Can you pay?”
“Yes. Up to a point.”
“We’ll come in under the point,” I said.
She shifted in her chair again and crossed her legs, and rested her folded hands on her thigh.
“Why didn’t you just sell and get out?” I said. “Move to park City or someplace?”
“There’s no market for homes anymore. No one wants to move there because of the dell gang.”
“And you knew Samuelson from your L.A. days.”
“His son played for Steve… my husband.”
“And you asked him about getting some help and he suggested me.”
“Yes. He said you were good and you’d keep your word.”
“A good description.” I said.
“He also said you were too sure of yourself. And not as funny as you thought you were.”
“Well he’s wrong on the last one,” I said. “But no need to argue.”
“Will you do it?”
“Okay,” I said.
“Just like that?”
“Yep.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Come out and poke around.”
“That’s all?”
“It’s a start,” I said.
And three hundred thirty pages later, he pokes around, meets the bad guys, assembles his own crew of hard cases, meets an assortment of characters, makes wise cracks, has a couple of fights, and figures out just exactly who killed the guy.
Parker has banged out just under thirty novels dedicated to Spenser alone (he also uses two other characters and writes stand alone books), and while the formula is essentially the same each time, there is a certain charm… a certain crackle invested in each one to make them all a satisfying read. The guy’s got the goods, people. And the pages just zip on by. Read one, just one, and see what I mean. If you’re a moron who gets headaches from reading, I promise you’ll be amazed at how many pages you blitz through before even noticing.
Over the course of time, I’ll visit some more Spenser books, and I’ll also introduce you to Jesse Stone before too long.
Robert Parker doesn’t fuck around. He wouldn’t be caught DEAD writing books about professional rasslin’.
HOGAN PUTS THE SYSTEM ON TRIAL!!!! (PART 2)
This’ll either fascinate you, or bore you to tears.
Actually, this is pretty fascinating, once I actually started reading the damn thing.
Oh, in case you weren’t around last week, this is the transcript Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea’s testimony during the McMahon Steroid Trial last century. Part two of a series. The series itself is 25 pages long, so I’m dividing it up into segments. Makes for a great space filler and actually does produce some compelling content. So no matter how you look at it, I WIN!!
***
Government: Did you carry steroids on the road?
Terry B: Yes
Government: Why did you use steroids?
Terry B: To heal injuries, to keep on going, the schedule was tough. It gave an edge. For bodybuilding. When I first started it was to get big and gain weight.
Government: Ever wrestle in Nassau Coliseum?
Terry B: Yes.
Government: The statements that you made to the press about steroids were truthful?
Terry B: No. The female defense lawyer starts asking questions.
Defense: We've never met before Mr. Bolea?
Terry B: No.
Defense: Never spoken?
Terry B: No.
Defense: For a period of time while you were in the WwF you did not wreslte at the Meadowlands.
Terry B: Dont know.
Defense: Does this refresh your memory?
Terry B: No.
Defense: You stopped steroids in 89?
Terry B: Around then, maybe a little bit after.
Defense: You and your wife have two children?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: July 27, 1990 is the date of birth of your last child?
Terry B: Yes
Defense: Did you and your wife, in 1989, decide you would not be on any drugs?
Terry B: I would wind down and come off.
Defense: Did you use steroids after October 1989?
Terry B: Yes. We had an argument about her getting pregnant while I'm on drugs.
Defense reads GJ testimony of Hulk Hogan.
Q:When was the last time you used steroids?
A: About 4 to 4 and a half years ago. It was 9 months before our daughter was born.
Defense: You had steroids delivered to the homes of other people in the names of other people?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Dave Brower?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Was it practice that after a WrestleMania there would be a hiatus?
Terry B: Sometimes.
Defense: You try spending as much time with your family when you are not on the road?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: You and your wife moved to Florida after July 1988?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: After WrestlMania 5, do you remember being in Florida for a period of time.
Terry B: No.
Defense: TCA would make travel arrangements for you by charter?
Terry B: Yes or I would call myself.
Defense: Always arranged by Titan?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Do you remember the issue of Titan paying for the charters?
Terry B: No.
Defense: Do you recall this letter April 11, 1989 where it talks about the issue of who would pay for a charter from Michigan to Tampa?
Terry B: I dont recall it.
Defense: Did you live in Florida at this time at this address?
Terry B: Don't know.
Defense: You owned it?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Was your mail forwarded from there to CT?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Do you recall picking up a package at Titan in April 89.
Terry B: No.
Defense: Do you remember Jim Stewart delivering steroids from Titan to you at an arena?
Terry B: No.
Defense: Any orders placed to Zahorian by you were for your personal use?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Would you distribute steroids?
Terry B: No.
Defense: Which you believed steroids were legal?
Terry B: Yes because I had a prescription.
Defense: Do you remember Dr. War from Canada, Dr. Pannovich from Denver, Dr. Liebowitz from NY?
Terry B: Yes, except for Dr. Pannovich.
Defense: Had other doctors dispensed steroids to you between 85 and 89?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: War?
Terry B: Yes
Defense: Liebowitz?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Pannovich?
Terry B: Don't remember.
Defense reads Terry B's Grand Jury statements which said that all four doctors including Zahorian wrote him prescriptions.
Defense: Did you get deca from Ponnavich?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did you try and use steroids legally?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did you get a doctor to see you beforehand?
Terry B: Not so much that, just made sure that I had a prescription.
Defense: Did you get steroids in gyms in the 70s?
Terry B: Yes, 70s and 80s.
Defense: Once you started wrestling for large organizations like the AWA and Japan you starting seeing doctors for steroids?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: It was better to get from a doctor because of the quality?
Terry B: Yes a concern in the gyms would be that they might be fake.
Defense: Today in 1994 you have more knowledge of steroids than in the 80s?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: If you had this info back then would you not have used them?
Terry B: That might have been the case.
Defense: Were steroids common for athletes in other professions?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did Titan give you your own locker room?
Terry B: Yes
Defense: At Hershey?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: You preferred to be with the people you wanted other than the extras?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Before you performed, you liked to be in private?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Do you remember the photo of you, Vince McMahon, and Zahorian shown at Zahorian's trial?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Do you remember when it was taken?
Terry B: No.
Defense: It was common to have photo taken with scores of people?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Do you have any knowledge of being in a room with Zahorian and Vince McMahon while discussing steroids?
Terry B: No.
Defense: Vince McMahon never directed you to take steroids?
Terry B: Never.
Defense: It was your choice and decision?
Terry B: Definitely.
Defense: Other wrestlers take steroids?
Terry B: To my knowledge, yes.
Defense: Ever hear Vince McMahon tell a wrestler he should take steroids?
Terry B: No.
Defense: Do you recall any conversations with Vince McMahon where he implied a wrestler should take steroids?
Terry B: Never.
Defense: Were advances for performances given out by agents at every performance?
Terry B: Yes. It was deducted from their payment.
Defense: Ever hear at any WwF event any agent say, "the Doctor's here, anyone want an advance?"
Terry B: No. Just "does anyone want an advance".
Defense: The other wrestlers, not you, had to pay for their hotel rooms and meals?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: It was one town to another, night after night?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: 30 days at a time or more?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: The reason for an advance was so wrestlers could pay for expenses?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Ever heard of riggs?
Terry B: Yes
Defense: Is riggs slang for hypodermic needles?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: It is not known commonly as steroids and needles?
Terry B: No.
Defense: So riggs are not steroids.
Terry B: No.
Defense: Ever heard of a roid rage?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: In your 12 or 13 years of use did you ever experience a roid rage?
Terry B: No.
Defense: Ever see Vince McMahon have a personality change known as roid rage?
Terry B: No.
Defense: Is it fair to say wrestlers are aggressive?
Terry B: When performing.
Defense: Being on the road, when the wrestlers were offstage were they boisterous?
Terry B: Not all.
Defense: Did some party?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did they get into trouble?
Terry B: Sometimes.
Defense: Did you ever the make the connection of steroids usage and the wrestlers being boisterous at a hotel or bar?
Terry B: Never.
And so it goes.
Geeze, call me crazy but Hogan seemed to be chiefly concerned with covering his own ass, looking out for number one, keeping all bridges nice and fireproof.
In other news: O.J. killed his wife, Michael Jackson is weird, and too much Taco Bell makes you fat.
So ends another thrilling edition of POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS Sponsored by 411mania: cut and pasting our way to becoming the greatest website in the world.
NAILZ IS IN CONTEMPT OF COURT… AND OF GENERAL COMMON SENSE
Gabe read the Hogan transcript last week and it brought back memories.
He was there for the trial, and remembers the time Nailz (ex-con gimmick, skills that makes Nash look like a luchador, general moron, tried to choke McMahon to death) took the stand and… well…
I don’t know what he said, or how long he was up there… but what is etched in Gabe’s memory is this very brief passage:
Prosecutor: Do you have any animosity towards Mr. McMahon?
Nailz: [pauses, gives a look of confused disgust] No.
Prosecutor: Isn't it true that you hate Mr. McMahon?
Nailz: [shrugs] Well yeah, I hate him!
Kind of tells you all you need to know, doesn’t it?
Heh… hahahahahaaa
Last time I saw Nailz he was choking the life out of Tony Atlas on one of the very few installments of Wrestling Federation All-Stars (or something) : Wrestling the way it OUGHT to be!! and Jim Brunzell (or maybe it was Brad Rheingans) showed up and started screaming: YOU’RE SUSPENDED!!! WE’RE DON’T PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP!! THIS ISN’T THE WAY WRESTLING OUGHT TO BE!!!. Goddam wonder this federation lasted 6 weeks.
THE HYATTE BECOMES THE HYATTED
The following just happened a few hours ago. It’s all true.
RecogniseAnyone: hey, if I flame you and spell badly, do I get to be in your column?
Hyatte1com: nope
RecogniseAnyone: damn, no chance at all?
Hyatte1com: depends on how original your flaming is
RecogniseAnyone: so 'fag' isn't going to cut it?
RecogniseAnyone: how about...
RecogniseAnyone: Your intellect's as weighty as Kate Moss on the moon.
Hyatte1com: nope, because everyone knows I'm the smartest
RecogniseAnyone: hmmm
RecogniseAnyone: Last time I saw something like you I shot it, skinned it and made it into a rug.
Hyatte1com: problem is... you have never seen me
RecogniseAnyone: yeah, it IS a bit of an assumption
Hyatte1com: I happen to be very handsome, just with a bit too much backhair
RecogniseAnyone: enough for a rug?
Hyatte1com: maybe a mustache
RecogniseAnyone: ok then
RecogniseAnyone: if your personality was a column, it'd be signed Scaia
Hyatte1com: WHAT??? HOW DARE YOU!!!!!
RecogniseAnyone: Someone was going to say it!
Hyatte1com: SONAFABITCH!!! I'LL PERSONALLY TEAR YOU A NEW ASSHOLE AND BUTTFUCK IT
Hyatte1com: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
Then I blocked the bastard.
Asshole.
AMERICA FIGHTS BACK
Hopefully, you’ve been keeping up… if not, please reference the last two MidNews column… go find them yourselves, jerkwipes.
Since I am merely a reporter… err.. columnist… ah… idiot who was busy smoking pot in behind the baseball field during American History… I chose NOT to address the flames from my CANADIAN readers last week… not because I was IGNORANT of the hiostory (how DARE you think that!!) but because I knew… oh I knew that I neededn’t fight a battle alone… not when I had my COUNTRYMEN who were just WAITING for the shot to respond. Okay, you nutty Canucks… AMERICA is here to respond… start peeing your britches!!
Some people I've asked from Canada actually said that they were actually taught that in Canada. (That they've burned down the White House etc)
Talk about historical inaccuracy.
1. No land invasion of America by Canadians reached Washington, D.C. The British REGULAR ARMY AND NAVY tried to do it but were defeated at Plattsburg by Thomas Macdonough. What the hell makes them think Canadian militia could?
2. The force of 4,000 or so British Regulars from Lord Wellington's (you know, the same guy who just beat Napoleon) command left England, picked up troops and supplies in the Caribbean, then landed in Cheasepeake Bay, and fought the Battles of Bladensburg, in which the Marines were routed after a resistance and fled (the "Bladensburg Races"). The British force then marched to Washington, torched it, and withdrew, having orders not to occupy enemy territory.
3. I don't know who William Lyon Mackenzie was, but to say he led the 'glorious Canadian counterattack' down through occupied American territory is simply absurd.
4. Many people think that Canadian forces thoroughly beat the American forces into the ground in a righteous, majestic counterthrust to repel those damnyankees from Canadian soil. Yep, that explains the Battles of York, Plattsburgh, the Thames, Tippecanoe (at which many French-Canadians lost their lives), Lake Erie, etc. etc...
5. I'm not knocking the Canadians. The Canadians and Americans were the winners of the War of 1812 despite what the treaties afterwards showed. The British, the most powerful people in the world, got their asses handed to them, and both America and Canada met with a fresh new wave of pariotism and nationalism that caused them to flourish. And yes, the Canadians did help in driving the Americans out of Canada. But to say (and TEACH) that a British and Canadian force pushed past American forces over 400 miles and sacked Washington (while IGNORING PROVEN FACTS OF HISTORY) is bordering on gross negligence and ignorance.
Please, Canadian brethern, cease spouting this inanely-disgusting rhetoric on how "WE BURNED THE WHITE HOUZE DOWN"
You didn't. The British Army did.
Sorry.
(And saying that "Well, we were a part of the British Empire, so we helped" is like saying "Daddy and I killed the bear!".)
-Super Ed
That’s right!!! Way to go Super Ed!!!
Okay, I've had enough of this. What is with Canadians bringing up the War of 1812 as if that was somehow a big deal for Canada? My god, we didn't even fight the Canadians in that war. It was the British, who were still pissed over the Revolutionary War. It was them who briefly took parts of Michigan, and burnt up the White House. I know that Canada is still in bed with the U.K. but to somehow claim that Canada did all that stuff in 1812 is moronic.
cabbageboy
You heard it from Cabbageboy himself… MORONIC!!!! GOD BLESS AMERICA!! LAND THAT I LOVE!!!!
It wasn't Canada we were at war with in the War of 1812, because Canada wasn't even a nation back then. They were still a colony of Britian.
And anyone who says the Canadians burned down the White House is a douchebag, because of the soldiers who DID burn it down, not a one of them was Canadian. All of them were tea drinking Brits, down to the last man.
So, what have we learned? That A) The Canadian public schools that are so much better than American public schools can't teach the difference between Canadian's and the English, and B) Canada officially has NO claim to fame.
Rosebrock
Canadian public schools… BAH!! Bet THEY can’t get any good pot like WE do!
Just wanted to say that the column was over all good, but I could have used a few more Scott Keith jokes...that dude's a douche.
Jeff
Hey, how did this get in here… whoops. Sorry.
Once again, those fucking Canadians are taking credit for shit they didn't do...
It was the limeys who burned down The White House and gutted D.C. The British burned the White House and the Capitol, but the rest of Washington was saved by a strong rain storm. The British, under orders not to hold any territory, withdrew...
In the end, we kicked some British ass back across The Pond and we kicked some hosers back to Canada.
Jesus christ, that email makes our American public school system look like Oxford...
Short Irish Guy
BRIT ASS BACK TO OVER POND AND HOSERS BACK TO CANADA!!! YOU HEAR THAT??? THAT’S …ah… Short Irish Guy TALKING TO YA
Jesus Guys… can’t we get some REGULAR names here? Oh, right… FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION!!! FREEDOM OF INDIVIDUALITY!!!!
Canada did NOT burn Washington or the White House during the war of 1812. The British invaded America, because we retaliated to several unfair seizures of American cargo ships. They burned down all of the government buildings in Washington, but they actually played the role of fire fighters by preventing the fire from spreading to any civilian homes (what gentlemen). How do I know this? History 325: History of American Military Engagement.
During the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812, we did attempt to invade Canada. The attempts were not plotted very well. We were not prepared for the harsh
climate and we expected them to be excited to join us. They, instead, chose to remain under the rule of Britain, which we were not prepared for. We were defeated, despite the fact that we claimed some territory there.
Sean
So what we learned is… Canada didn’t burn down the White House… Canada didn’t beat us back… ENGLAND burned us down and ENGLAND beat us ba… no, wait… I mean CANADA DID beat us back because they were happy with being England’s BITCH!! Just like they would have been HITLER’S BITCH if we weren’t there to take everyone down!!!
Furthermore… they only beat us back because it’s SO damn cold in Canada… I mean, in America, we have four glorious seasons… Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter… Canada has two seasons: Winter and Road Construction.
This letter’s from a guy taking a personal offense to what a Canadian said:
Oh and I live in Canada. The SARS jokes are so two weeks ago now. They don't even talk about it on the news now. We're back to talking about no news or about top American stories because nothing ever goes on here. We're kinda like Delaware, I guess.
Those fucking Canadians better not be making fun of my state. My little ass state could beat the shit out of Canada. And the War of 1812? We went up to free their aboot saying asses, they freaked out, sucked up to the British tit and then the Brits came in and burned down the White House and all that war. In summation, fuck Canada. Watch them run now from the Delawarean. RUN YOU CANADIAN SHIT-EATERS!!!
This message brought to you by,
Logray
That’s right… we don’t have PROVINCES like you mooseblowers do… we are all one big happy FAMILY!! Attack one of us you attack us all… yes, even places not called New York and Washington DC. With the possible exception of Mississippi…. and the southern half of California.
Now, here are a pair of Canadian responses… just for the hell of it
I'm not one of the whiny America bashers but just a little correction. We didn't jump you guys at your weakest in 1812; you guys attacked us. Also, Moosehead wasn't around until 1867, the same year we became a country.
Tommyboy
Yeah, thank you for getting the ironic joke there… way to go… and they say Canadians are humorless.
Not that i'm trying to start a conflict or anything, but both sides are kinda wrong about the 1812 thing. In 1812, America was fighting with Britian, and had this theory called "Manifest Destiny", which basically means they thought they they should have control of all of North America. Canada was still part of the british empire at the time, so the americans attacked us, trying to hit a heavy blow by taking away Britians best colony (at the time). When a large group of americans tried to take over the Toronto(i believe, i'm not to sure about which city it was), a significantly smaller group if canadians snuck up behind them while they were entering the city, and forced them to surrender with little to no deaths. The reason this was a small group was because the rest of us were marching down to burn down the white house. These two victories resulted in us being awarded our independence, even though it took them, like, fifty years to actually get through the figurative "paperwork". I hope this clears things up for everyone, also, i would like to point out that i meade my point without insulting anybodys mother or calling anybody a bitch.
Joel from Saskatchwan, Canada
Thank you Joel… isn’t it true that you’re mother is so poor she had to put a Big Mac on layaway? Isn’t your momma like a fine restaurant… they both take their deliveries in the rear. HEY JOEL, YO’ MOMMA’S SO FAT SHE CUT HERSELF SHAVING AND GRAVY POURED OUT!!! BOOYAA, BOOYAA, BOOOOYAAAAA
Oh, all this rage and anger, mostly from me. Why don’t we all join hands and relax with something we can ALL get behind… no, not Joel’s momma (bwahahahaaa)… but with some…
POINTLESS RACISM
How do you starve a (CANADIAN)?
Put his food stamps in his work boots.
What's the definition of (CANADIAN) foreplay?
Don't scream or I'll kill you.
How do you know Adam and Eve weren't (CANADIAN)?
Ever try and take a rib from a (CANADIAN)?
What do the rabbis do with foreskin after a circumcism??
Give it to the (CANADIAN)s for chewing gum!
Why don't (CANADIAN) women use vibrators?
It chips their teeth.
How do you get a (CANADIAN) out of the bath tub?
Throw in a bar of soap
How do you get a one-armed (CANADIAN) out of a tree?
Wave to him.
Wave to him… HAW!! HELLO, MR. CANADIAN FELLOW!!! HELLO!!! HELL…WHOOPS!!! DOWN HE GOES!!
Hahahahaaa… oh it’s so AWESOME being in the best friggin’ country anywhere… GOD BLESS GEORGE W. GOD BLESS US ALL!!
Oh eat me… it’s Memorial Day
I may be here next week… I may not… all depends on how I feel at any given moment. So enjoy the 411 all-stars… and that Pankonin (like I have the time to doublecheck my spelling) dude… and be sure to see what NoSoul is up to this week… I caught a glimpse and it is amazing. And I’ll be around when I get around.
So bleh and blah and phleh.
This is Hyatte